I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
