so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
