if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize