Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
