the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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