Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
