Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize