I cannot find my penis.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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