There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
