if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
