i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
