genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
its liver damage thursday
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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