i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
