Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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