im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
