Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
