Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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