In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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