Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize