my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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