How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
