my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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