So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
