I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
