You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
