well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
