we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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