Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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