I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
