I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
