did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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