We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
