I am puke
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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