i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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