I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize