Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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