So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
two words: eviction party
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
