oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
