She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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