I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
