I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
