wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
