we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
