I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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