Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
