we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
