So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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