so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
