Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
