I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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