super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Randomize
