I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize