I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
