Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
