so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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