I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
