There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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