Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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