chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
