he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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